This article is going to be a little bit different from the convectional way that i do write, although this article is going to be a little direct, but in the end, it’s going to make one have a little bit more self compassion, gratitude and am Improve in your relationship in your life. So before I begin, I need to tell a couple of stories; the first one was the one that really frustrated me, it’s about a girl that was in my extended group of team, she was having issues with infidelity, she hadn’t really crossed the line but she was pushing it more than she should have, and then it came to me and I was asked if I should speak with her, because I use to coach people, help them change their mindset, so I accepted.
So we sat down and she was kind of drugged there by a friend, we spoke and I did the whole coaching thing that I did in the past with my previous clients. We bugged her down, we made her cry. And then she promised she wasn’t going to do it anymore, and that it was absolutely the end of it. And then four days later the line got pushed further, still didn’t crossed that line but she came incredibly close. and at this point I’m invested and i heard about this and I said “please let her know if she wants to speak to me again, I’ll do it “ I did one of these calls that normally I charge but that I don’t want this to happen. She didn’t get back to me, and I said “let her know if she didn’t want to talk me, there’s this seminar that about personal development and I think it’ll be great for her, and because I don’t want this to happen if finances are the issue, I’ll cover it, and she can pay me back, it’s not a big deal, I don’t just want this to happen”. Message got delivered came back, she wasn’t interested.
No joke, one week later, the line was blown past, and things blew up, people found out not only did she have to deal with having done this but other people found out which made it even worst, and she was in a world of hurt. And I didn’t expect to hear from her but I got the first text from her and it says “ could we please chat” and I said ok and we sat down and she was like “ I don’t know what to do” and I said “ at this point “ I would recommend this personal development seminar, I’m no longer willing to pay for it, because it was kind of a preventative measure but I think you should go” and I stopped even pushing, four days later, she was at the seminar. And then I reflected on that story and then I reflected on all of my experiences and I realize, people need two things, in order to actually change; there’s the resource, the resource is good advice, books, hopefully this article, is a resource for you, with all the advice that you get, you can be the judge if it’s good or not. They need this resources, but the resource Is just a door, it’s got this whole world of possibilities behind it, you can unlock it you can get value from it, but to unlock it you need a key and that key is your life experience, unfortunately, the experience you often need to get access from different resources, is one of tremendous pain, it has to hurt, before you can get value from that book, that seminar, that piece of advice that your friend told you and you made that mistake and you knew you shouldn’t have , what you were missing at that time, unfortunately not just them telling you but putting your hand on that flame and having it burned.
And it’s a bumper but I think this is one of the most profound changes, that have helped people with and even just witness.
The second story goes like this, there’s someone that I know that is pretty overweight wasn’t terrible at the time, people have suggested that they could exercise and eat better, and of course they knew what to do at a high level, but didn’t do it. And then one day there was these group of people who were absolutely vicious, so brutally mean about this.
And then that was it, and then in six months this person has lost absolutely 50 pounds, and then teach people fitness and it’s been years and years they have kept it off, and now they are in shape.
So these might seem like a great point that pain is what drives us to be better, but what I always do is that I try to spare myself and the people around me as much pain as possible.
Which Is a noble thing to do, but as I grow older, I realized there’s only a certain amount of pain that you can save people from, people do need to hurt themselves, it’s kind of like, if there’s a baby and you think the best way to teach it to walk is to but it in one of those carrier things so that the don’t hurt themselves , but the baby must fall down, or it will never learn to walk. If you try to hold it up forever, it’s going to be crippled. As so I looked back to my own life and I see that I’m trying to spare people the pain of the choices that the are making. And even when you force someone to do something meaningful, they get he least value out of it.
It’s the one that have hit a point in their life when they are open to that stuffs that truly get something, these got three main point that I want to drag home.
The first one is; those people like me that is trying to help other people, wants other people to change to avoid their mistakes you have to realize that it’s not your responsibility, and I honestly don’t believe it’s not in your capability to get other people to change. However, what is in your capability is to tell the truths, say where you see an issue, offer a resource, offer your support and access and say look I think you’re having a hard time with this,” I’m here for advice there’s this book, there’s this seminar that I think you’ll get a lot of value out of , do you want to talk about it, I’m here, but I can’t tell you what you’re path has to be, you’re going have to find that “. And if you have offered this to some one, two or maybe three times at that point, what I’ve found is that they need to get hurt, you can’t dragged them through it, it’s just you need to have compassion and love for them, well they might be into some pain, that does have a big caviar, because if there’s drugs and alcohol involved in their life, then intervention might be appropriate.
the second point I want to make is that I realize in my own life, there’s resources that I have encountered all throughout my time on this earth, and I couldn’t access them I though t that they were just dumb, things like; meditation, things like hiking, which I thought was just ( taking a walk in a non-indoor space) I didn’t get it, but as I have gotten older and my life experiences have changed, I find tremendous value in those “chiller” activities. So I go back to meditating, and it’s useful again, and I go back to hiking and I enjoy it, and there’s other things that I realized that” you know what, maybe I should try yoga again, I should probably give surfing a try, “
all that to say there’s things you just don’t think you’re one of those people, retry it. Because they are human activities that have satisfied and have built connection for a long time.
Because if you feel like you’re not one of those people, or has been a long time since you tried, comsider giving one of those things a trial, because you may find resources completely change what it means to you over time.
And the third thing that I want to touch one is about self compassion because you are going to make mistakes, they are things you’re going to learn from watching other people and then you say “ you know what I’m not going to put my hand in that fire, and it’s fantastic,” but there are things like you know like me, are going to be stubborn, they are going to sense it and then you’re going to probably do it anyway. In those situations, I’m not saying you should deny that you have agencies, I’m not saying you should go “oh throw my hands up, I just have to suffer” what I am saying, is to not beat yourself up with what you should have done, “I shouldn’t have been so stupid oh, how could I have been so dumb”.
Quite frankly, yes you should, this is part of your lesson, you’re trying to make this recipe of learning without the ingredient of experience and pain and it’s often times necessary for the most important thing, for you to learn, so have some compassion for yourself as you do that, don’t beat yourself up, ou don’t need that on top of it.
And second if there’s an individual or situation that is really hurting you, it can be tough to do, but have some gratitude. “ I don’t really like you, I don’t like the way you’ve treated me” but this lesson that I’m getting as hard as it is, is going to be so incredible for me in my life. And when you can do that, you can take what is a tremendously difficult situation and have both a lesson and a silver lining, which can make it more manageable.